mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i dont even know how to be here
ttyl tear gas
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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