I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
