Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
