so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
