So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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