Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
