I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
