god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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