She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize