I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
