how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
