The best revenge is premature balding
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
