Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
