fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
50% drunk capacity currently
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize