I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
