i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
