I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
