a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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