Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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