I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
