Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
