i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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