Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
