I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
