and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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