i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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