Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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