rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize