I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
