The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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