between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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