im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
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