Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
