is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
