yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
