suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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