There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
