i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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