Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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