I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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