whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
