Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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