I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
