Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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