Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
