shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
