Your dad touched me again.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize