god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
