Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
