i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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