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does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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