saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
