Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
