I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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