how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
