Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
