i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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