Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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