you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize