theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
