living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
