On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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