life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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