I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
