i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
